Breaking Up With A Friend Is Just As Serious As Ending A Romantic Relationship
If you and an old pal have drifted apart, it's best not to put off your friendship breakup. Here's how to address it head-on and in a healthy way, per experts.
As the depressing cliché goes: Nothing things last forever—which is why friendship breakups sometimes happen.
Try as you might to fight for it, mend it, and preserve it, even those we’re-practically-family friendships can run their course. This doesn’t mean they were any less meaningful in their prime, just that it’s time for everyone involved to move on.
Because friendship breakups are—more often than not—painful, even after you’ve realized it’s time to cut ties, you might stick around and avoid pulling the trigger. Trust, you wouldn’t be the first person to do so. “But, you owe it to your relationship [to break it off] even if you’re not in a good place with the person,” says Andrea Bonior, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing and Losing, and Keeping Up With Your Friends. Otherwise, “they’ll be left lost and confused if you don’t say anything.” And both you and your soon-to-be-ex-bestie deserve the chance to move on and cultivate the friendships that do spark joy.
Look, it’s no secret that all this is way easier said than done. Breaking up is hard to do, but it isn’t impossible—not when you’ve got an expert walking you through it. Here's everything you need to know about breaking up with friends, keeping things civil for the rest of your friend group, and moving on.
There are a few reasons to break up a friendship.
“It really runs the gamut from life transitions taking people to different places to feeling like they don’t have much in common anymore,” says Bonior. Instead, Friendships typically come to an end because there’s a disconnect that one, or both of you, feel is beyond repair.
Here are some other signs that you and a friend should call it quits:
“People grow apart and their daily lives don’t mesh anymore,” she adds. As a result, you might feel like the friendship’s off-balance, with one of you giving more to the friendship than the other.
Of course, sometimes friendships end because of a rift. Maybe your friend’s habits—whether they’re related to substance abuse or romantic choices—have been concerning, and they refuse to hear you out. Or maybe you don’t feel like you can be your best self with them because they regularly put you down, gossip about you, or they’ve betrayed your trust (all signs of a toxic friendship, btw).
Whatever pushes you to cut things off—even if you can’t quite put your finger on it—if you simply don’t feel good about yourself or your friendship when you’re together, that’s reason enough to go your separate ways.
Serious women talking on a couch at home Friendship breakups can sometimes feel even more complicated than romantic ones.
As the depressing cliché goes: Nothing things last forever—which is why friendship breakups sometimes happen.
Try as you might to fight for it, mend it, and preserve it, even those we’re-practically-family friendships can run their course. This doesn’t mean they were any less meaningful in their prime, just that it’s time for everyone involved to move on.
Because friendship breakups are—more often than not—painful, even after you’ve realized it’s time to cut ties, you might stick around and avoid pulling the trigger. Trust, you wouldn’t be the first person to do so. “But, you owe it to your relationship [to break it off] even if you’re not in a good place with the person,” says Andrea Bonior, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing and Losing, and Keeping Up With Your Friends. Otherwise, “they’ll be left lost and confused if you don’t say anything.” And both you and your soon-to-be-ex-bestie deserve the chance to move on and cultivate the friendships that do spark joy.
Look, it’s no secret that all this is way easier said than done. Breaking up is hard to do, but it isn’t impossible—not when you’ve got an expert walking you through it. Here's everything you need to know about breaking up with friends, keeping things civil for the rest of your friend group, and moving on.
There are a few reasons to break up a friendship.
“It really runs the gamut from life transitions taking people to different places to feeling like they don’t have much in common anymore,” says Bonior. Instead, Friendships typically come to an end because there’s a disconnect that one, or both of you, feel is beyond repair.
Here are some other signs that you and a friend should call it quits:
“People grow apart and their daily lives don’t mesh anymore,” she adds. As a result, you might feel like the friendship’s off-balance, with one of you giving more to the friendship than the other.
Of course, sometimes friendships end because of a rift. Maybe your friend’s habits—whether they’re related to substance abuse or romantic choices—have been concerning, and they refuse to hear you out. Or maybe you don’t feel like you can be your best self with them because they regularly put you down, gossip about you, or they’ve betrayed your trust (all signs of a toxic friendship, btw).
Whatever pushes you to cut things off—even if you can’t quite put your finger on it—if you simply don’t feel good about yourself or your friendship when you’re together, that’s reason enough to go your separate ways.
Serious women talking on a couch at home Friendship breakups can sometimes feel even more complicated than romantic ones.
As important as friendships are, romantic relationships tend to get all the glory while platonic ones are undervalued. Without the weighty expectation of monogamy, people have a hard time ending friendships. Think about it: You have to break up with a partner to move on to someone new, but nothing is stopping you from avoiding a friendship breakup indefinitely, putting off the confrontation, and hanging out with some other buds instead.
But you owe it to yourself and your friend a clean break if you’re unhappy, says Bonior. That way, neither of you wastes any time—even the few secs it takes to send a text—on someone who is no longer receptive.
And though “people often underestimate what a big deal it is for a friendship to end,” friendship breakups are just as uncomfortable and sad as romantic ones, Bonior points out.
Breakup conversations might escalate into arguments; your friend might get defensive or try and convince you to stick around. But, if you don’t feel like you’re a good match anymore, you need to let them go—the same way you would a significant other.
Two female friends sitting on the sofa and arguing with each other. Friendship, quarrel, female disagreement, copy space How you end a friendship can go any number of ways.
If you’re pulling the plug, whatever you do, make it easier on yourself by not leaving the door open to ambiguity, says Bonior. “Be as clear and as gentle as possible.”
She’s not saying you need to get into the nitty-gritty of something your friend said on a Wednesday morning three months ago, but make sure they can walk away from the conversation with a definite understanding of why you broke things off.
To be honest, I feel my life is moving in a different direction these days, and I wanted to be honest with you and tell you I won’t be hanging out as much. I’m glad we’ve had a friendship, but I don’t think we're a good fit anymore.”
If the two of you hadn’t already and noticeably drifted apart, you might get some pushback. Your friend may promise to change and do better for you. If you think you can work things out and trust they’ll do their part in repairing the friendship, great.
But, if you’re not willing to devote any more time to this friendship and are certain you want to break up, don’t budge. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not looking for things to be different; I’m just telling you I’m in a different place.”
Comments
Post a Comment